Sometimes Money Matters to ADHD Kids

In our case right now, money is a pretty strong "carrot" to dangle! We believe whole-heartedly that kids should be able to earn money in a money-driven society. So, we have created earning potential here at home. Bobby now receives a monthly allowance given to him about the same time as our payday (so we don't forget and blow it!).  He can also earn money for grades. A=$5; B=$3; C=$2. Then we take back cash for D's and F's.  Amazingly, this last quarter of school he began to realize the earning potential here and got NO D's or F's. That grade report cost us a whopping $42!!

Today was "Finance Day" at our house. I've been looking forward to this for a few weeks. He had done some big jobs around the house (not regular chores) and had some cash coming from those, plus his allowance and report card. I laid out his earnings in ONE DOLLAR BILLS! This was impressive to him, until I began to ask for "cash back."  He also knew that debts were paid on Finance Day! "Please give me $5. for the shampoo bottle you emptied just for fun in your bath. And I'd like $2. for the gum you took from the car without asking. You climbed on the rocks you've been asked to stay off and broke a very nice fern plant to shreds. I'd like $10. for that. You owe your uncle $10. and let's remember to put some into savings."  At the end of our discussion, half the piles of one dollar bills were gone. He still had a nice chunk for something he's been saving for (more fishing gear) but he SAW how much cash was used for restitution.

We discussed how he could actually KEEP all of his earnings next month. Did we cure impulsivity with money? NOT ON YOUR LIFE! But this is one more step in the longgggg path to guiding a busy boy. We can not let up on our vigilance for a minute. Every "plan" contributes to reaching a successful goal!!

Will the Farmer Miss Just ONE Cantaloupe Plant?

I swear Bobby thinks we're stupid. Does he really believe he can pull this stuff right under our noses and have it go unnoticed? This sort of caper doesn't occur as often as it used to fortunately, but as far as we're concerned the fact that it EVER happens is frustrating beyond belief!

We each have a garden patch in the family garden this year and our son has enjoyed having his own tiny plot. He helps in the bigger patches but his own section is his responsibility. He dug it out and took care of it all on his own. He chose to grow green beans, beets & radishes.

Just across the ditch from our property is a wonderful organic garden started a full month before ours & thriving beautifully. We admire the farmer's garden as we work in ours. I suppose we spent a bit too much time admiring his work. Today, Dad found an enormous cantaloupe plant growing out-of-place in Bobby's little garden. No detective work needed here. None of us has a plant THAT big! Upon inquiry Bobby admitted he crossed the little ditch while we were inside the other evening & bravely uprooted just one plant so he'd have a nice one all for himself! We explained to him that next year when the farmer began planting he should just remind us to get an earlier start and we will. Then our plants will be the same size!

Back in "the day" a good visit to the wood shed and emptying of the piggy bank would have been the all-too-fair treatment for this awful behavior. (The woodshed might have been a good idea!) We chose to discuss, have him write the apology letter & we are now waiting for the farmer to be back in his patch. Bobby has some cash ready he was saving for a fishing pole. He knows he has to offer the amount of $ that plant could have brought in for the farmer. He fully understands his wrong (but goodness knows we've not seen the end of these sort of escapades!) Gotta love this kid. I sure do!!!

UPDATE: The farmer dropped by and had a serious discussion with Bobby. (We had called him ahead and explained to him that we didn't want him to tell our son it was "ok.")  He charged him for the seed and what each of the 8 canteloupes would have brought him at the store. Bobby handed over the $15. and promised not to do it again. The farmer told him he would like Bobby to one day work for him!

3 Months of NO Homework?

Kids aren't the only ones who quiver at the sound of the word, "HOMEWORK." While some parents comfortably fit the homework routine into their already crowded evenings, I'm thinking the majority breath a silent (or maybe not-so-silent) sigh of relief when summertime rolls around! I'm a teacher who assigns a minimal amount of evening paperwork for kids & I'm THRILLED when there is none of it at home June, July & August. I guard heavily the "family-fun" concept.

However, there are plenty of hours in every summer day to read and brush up on the weaker skills.... So, between swimming lessons and camp how 'bout we squeeze in some multiplication tables? Not talking copious amounts of worksheets here. And....I think we'll bring back some earned screen time. How about Bobby learning his 8's in order to have 30 minutes of computer time? (We "banned" computers & Wii over a month ago.) Would this be a big enough carrot? Think I'll ask him...

Absolutely incredible!!! Bobby's older brother is already "on it." His "cool" older brother is a natural at getting Bobby to do anything he suggests.  Homework during the summer takes a bit of a different flavor. Won't Mr. C be surprised when homework-dodging Bobby returns with those dreaded multiplication tables mastered?!  (One can hope we get them mastered!!)

The "Family Meeting"

We put this "family counselling session" off as long as possible. Why should we pay a doctor to listen to our cute-but-creative son pull responses from the clouds? No, this would be a waste of money. We may have been wrong. Time will tell, but the first session went remarkably well. It was the "get acquainted" session, filled with questions about why we were there. Fortunately our doctor has a pretty good clue as to why we were there, since he worked with me 6 months and has been working with Bobby's dad the past two. 

Our goal is to gather tools, pull-together more on the same page and listen to someone from the "outside" as he puts some objectivity into our relationships. None of us really has time to sit in an office for the rest of our lives, but it can't hurt to try it out for a bit.

Bobby seemed to enjoy the hour. He listened to our doctor & responded appropriately (most of the time). I had explained beforehand he just needed to give his honest answers. Nothing was "right" or "wrong." The doctor asked, "Why are you here, Bobby?" to which he quickly replied, "to learn to make good choices & be honest."  Great! We're off to a terrific start!

Many parents feel bringing a counsellor into the picture is a sign of weakness or is admitting they aren't perfect. There you have it. We're admitting we are weak in this situation & NOT perfect. So, a counsellor's office is right where we belong! We've raised 3 kids (now in their 20's)  who appear at this point to be fairly strong, secure and stable & all of that without the use of family therapy...but we need it now! (Not that it wouldn't have been helpful back when the older 3 were younger!) ADHD has thrown our son a curve ball but darn it, we're hoping some more good skills will help him hit it out of the park! Thanks, Dr. M!

Heartwrenching Honesty

I've never met a mom who says the parenting journey was easy. Further, the mothers I know of ADHD children have experienced heart-wrenching agony & even feelings of despair. These precious high-energy children don't intend to turn their homes and families upside-down. They were born with deep-rooted issues that show themselves in continual impulsivity, destructiveness, depression & confusion. It's not the kids' faults. They need our constant guidance and strength and we are tapped-out! Most of us eat, drink and sleep in a circus-like combat zone. Sure, there may be families who don't experience any of this but I haven't met them. Most are in over their heads.

Well-meaning family & friends whom we respect and love have often said, "he'll grow out of this" or "you'll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel." Parenting is 24/7 so we barely have time to head-off the hourly issues, let alone look to the future!  Besides doing damage control, making restitution with him & all that goes with that stuff, we have an earnest desire to implant crucial life skills in our boy. We want him successful in his future and we cannot lose sight of this need.

It's so frustrating that so much parenting time has been spent on negative issues. We continue to fill our family time with fun activities on a regular basis so that when Bobby is grown he somehow (miraculously) will remember the fun & not just the difficult times he experienced as he learned to cope with his "label." 

Today we see change. We see a boy who is definitely thinking about choices, offering on his own to take up responsibility around the home and not destroying things. He understands more about honesty & truthfulness. We are celebrating these things so he knows we're proud of his progress!

For years I have felt buried - no light in sight. I don't know what tomorrow holds & I'm not holding my breath. But today there is light & each day the light gets brighter as we get closer to it. I pray my son will be successful because of ADHD and not dragged down by it! I truly love this little boy!

It's Getting Easier - Fact Or Fiction?

FACT! Either we have a calm-before-the-storm situation here or Bobby truly is growing out of much of his naughty behavior. Only time will tell, but for now we are embracing this with everything we've got! Have to admit it's an unfamiliar path. So many things on a daily basis are different. Traveling has always been fun with him but this last road-trip was perfect. No question! He's a normal boy with prankster blood running through him but he has a brother and sister with that trait so we chalk it up to the family-link! When calling the front desk from our hotel room recently, he grinned as he said "thank you" at the end of his call, promptly adding "I love you" just for kicks. He burst into laughter after slamming the phone down quickly. No time outs. No restitution. Even a couple of smiles from Mom and Dad who were a bit surprised! I suppose if Bobby begins saying "I love you" to everyone he meets we may intercede but something tells us this was his impulsivity at work & no harm was done.

Nothing was stolen. No damage was done to anything. I don't remember any out-of-control arguing. Bobby even mentioned on the way home he thought he was maturing.  Today he did normal chores without protest & confessed to something he had done when we weren't looking.  Truly this is something unique we've been seeing in the past 3 weeks or so. (While exercising is not known in any research study to "cure" ADHD, I find it keenly interesting that our regular family bicycling began about 6 wks ago!)

Is Bobby still ADHD? Definitely. He is showing the ability though, to think about things before he says or does them. Something we have discussed/yelled/preached ad nauseum over the past 8 years. It's "sinking in" is what we're thinking.  In one of his worst situations which is crowds of people (any number over 3 or 4!) he still shows his frustration in negative ways at times. However, even that is improving.

I'm not saying our path through the future will be lined with roses or that our son has magically turned into a completely different child. We are simply choosing to see the POSITIVE that comes along, especially since there's been SO much negative dealing with ADHD & Oppositional Defiance in this busy boy.  Things look really good right now. Embracing it!

Boys Love Bows-N-Arrows!

"Mom, look what I made!! LOOK WHAT I MADE!!"  Bobby shouted at me as I dragged myself out of my car at the end of a busy school day. His excitement brought true joy to my heart! I stopped in the yard to watch him shoot his dull arrow out of a homemade broom-handle & bungee cord bow. Grandpa's "real" bow set has nothing on this new one of Bobby's! (He drools over grandpa's every time we're at his house!) My mind shot back a few years to his other homemade bows & arrows which all looked adorable but only "dropped" the arrows straight down onto the ground. I'm thinking with our recent departure from gaming systems, Bobby has lots more free time to be creative. Excellent. Results we hoped for!

At this point his primary goal is distance. No pets or windows have been harmed & he's plenty satisfied with seeing how much further he can shoot. For now, this is a good activity but I'm not going to be stupid about it. ADHD kids shift gears rapidly based on boredom. If his attention shifts from distance to injury & damage, the bow and arrow set will magically disappear.  Right now, arrow-shooting is the favorite activity. I'm good with this!

ADHD Lad Meets Antiquated Activity

Once upon a time....there were children who had no televisions, no gaming systems & yet no boredom. These children were much like today's youth yet driven to use a bit more creativity in their play. This summer our home is stepping back in time. Not very far back. Alas, the television will remain, with it's 3 fuzzy channels. But we will desperately try to enter the time zone prior to gaming systems. (Yikes! Can we do it?) Our 10 year old has informed us this is unthinkable yet we think it will happen. He looked as though his life was ending. He is certain this is not "cool." We have just scratched the surface today and compiled a list of vaguely familiar activities & we look forward to begin checking them off one-by-one. The basic premise is: More family time & more creative time. These are wonderful sports (enjoyed still by teams & leagues around the globe) & activities here. Unfortunately, gaming has invaded family time that once was also spent doing these things!

Our List: basketball, foosball, bowling, swimming, soccer, tetherball, frisbee, air hockey, waterskiing, hiking, football, roller-blading, barbecues, backyard parties, trampoline, tetherball, frisbee, backpacking, skateboard, taking skateboard apart & putting it back together (that's an activity!), baseball, park, slip-n-slide, sailing, fishing with net, fishing with pole, gardening, cooking, baking, chores (a few), pets, riding bike, air soft gun, table games, puzzles, legos, toys, building a fort, digging a cave, fixing motorcyle, riding motorcycle, camping, road trip, roller skating, playing piano, climbing wall, rock wall, water park, write to grandparents, horseback riding, photography, concerts, geocaching, boating, rafting, boomerang, science camp, kites, rock collecting, museums, scavenger hunts, snorkeling, arts & crafts, hide & seek, model rockets, capture the flag, kick the can, volleyball, marco polo, marbles, some movies, balloon fights, volunteering, zoo, build something, visit farms etc....

We will leave the systems locked up for the summer, effective immediately. Though the very statement sounds dark and foreboding, our hopes are that we have a GREAT time together making memories!

P.S. We do still remain (obviously here) connected to the outside world. Simply searching for ways to combine healthy activity & productivity with our family life. Two years ago, these game systems weren't part of our home & we think we may like it better that way. We'll see!
One week down. Nobody is complaining. Lots of outdoor play & fishing for activities!

Now Who's Exhausted? Huh? Huh?

"Mom, slow down!" and "Mom, I can't peddle another block!" are some of my favorite phrases these days. After 10 years of desperately trying to catch my hyperactive & willful child, I can honestly say "I'M GETTING EVEN!"  First step was to get some bikes.  A few more supplies and we were rolling.  That was 3 weeks ago & since then we've logged 75 cycling miles & had lots of family fun!

I love my son to the moon and back in spite of the continual agony he puts me through. All moms "get" that. But quite frankly, I'm enjoying the current game of exhausting him!

Last weekend, bikes on the car rack & helmets, water bottles & a few granola bars tossed in the back seat, we dashed off for a neighboring town that boasts fine riding paths. We would ride from one park over to another by the bridge and back. Our toughest goal yet - a 25 mile ride! The path started out flat & fine but then came a few good hills. Around mile 12 Bobby reported from behind me, "I can't take any more of this." (Hmm, sounds like something I've said once or twice.) I pretended not to hear. He can run the property from sun-up to sundown & still take 2 hours to go to sleep so I have no doubts it won't kill him to keep riding. I see the bridge less than a mile out. We'll make it to our goal. He shouts a few more times into the wind and as my husband rides up near me I ask him if it's bad to feel glad we're FINALLY able to tire Bobby out? We share a laugh and ride on. Fortunately, this path ends near a skate park & fishing pond. Bingo! He's forgotten his sore muscles and checks out the cool park amenities.

On the second half of our journey we stop a couple times to look out over the river & grab a snack. We ride into the park exhilarated by a 25 mile evening challenge. Exercise hasn't done any permanent damage & we quickly add the miles to our ride log. Just spent 3 hours together with no screens (tv, computer, gaming). Bobby hasn't destroyed anything & everyone's happy. Bicycling seems to be our current cure for ADHD. Lovin' it!

The Pepper Street "Gang"

Stories are a big part of our bedtime routine. Bobby loves baseball & history. Tonight we read a story about Jackie Robinson's tough beginnings. The story detailed his teen years and time spent with the "Pepper Street Gang." This rough group of youth wasted their days away throwing rotten fruit at passing cars and swimming in the city water reservoir where "No Swimming" signs were posted! (Tragic teen behavior!) One day a teacher of his took him aside and told him, "Only first-class suckers allow others to lead them into doing what they don't want to do. It takes guts to stand on your own two feet."  Jackie thought a lot about what his teacher had said and decided right then he didn't want to follow the wrong crowd any more. He began setting worthwhile goals & achieving them!

Jackie Robinson's baseball career is legendary as he was the first African-American major league baseball player. He was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1962. Pretty good goal-setting! Bobby listened quietly to the story & I'm hoping he learned some lessons from Jackie. Maybe when he's a teen he won't spend his free time throwing rotten fruit!

 

Loose Canon on Wheels!

Over the years I've read the warnings to parents about ADHD kids' safety or lack thereof. Seems many of them, or maybe the majority of these kids are reckless to say the least. None of that reading prepared me for my first journey into the world of bike-riding with my highly-impulsive 10 year old! We live outside city limits where homes have pastures between them and few cars drive by. Bobby has experienced bike-riding only in this setting....up until last week.

Ready for a new family hobby, the guys fixed up used bikes & I bought a new one. We dug out the helmets & bought our first bike rack for the back of the car. Off to town we headed, to ride bikes in seemingly quiet neighborhoods. I was pretty excited about this new venture, thinking the exercise and fresh air would be great for us all. Bobby would need a little guidance to get started but I really didn't think that would involve more than, "Stay on the right" and "Watch for cars." Wrong! I spent the first mile yelling into the wind, "GET YOUR FEET OFF THE HANDLEBARS!" Once he began using the pedals correctly, it was a myriad of unforseen issues such as riding in circles around me, swerving into me when passing me on the right & failing to come to complete stop at the signs. Where was his father? His back tire needed more air so we started without him. What could go wrong? After "we" improved our skills in a fairly quiet neighborhood, I decided to take him just a few more miles. Everything was going well when I turned left onto a side street and Bobby missed my cue. He was gone. We had no "game plan" for if we got separated so he chose to find his way back to the car on his own, crossing a busy street in the process. Sure, he made it ok, but we've put a back-up plan in place for next time we get separated. 

Enjoying the family bike time. Rode 20 miles yesterday along a beautiful country bike path. No cars or dogs! ADHD kids DO need strong guidance in the safety arena but with that all in place....they burn piles of wild-child energy & enjoy valuable time with Dad & Mom! Ok, Bobby, where are we headed next?

ADHD Bedroom/Disaster Zone

I can ignore my kids' bedrooms for quite some time, but there does come a point when I simply cannot pass the doorway without beginning to envision a cleaning spree. Today's my day off but rather than catch a few extra winks and eat a leisurely breakfast, I chose to bolt out of bed and begin sorting the chaos that is Bobby's bedroom! After a few trips to the garbage bin, scrubbing sticky goodness-knows-what gunk off the chair & desk, and adding 27 crumpled socks to the laundry pile, I'm fairly pleased. (I only wish I knew where those 3 frogs went!)

My son's ADHD makes it almost impossible for him to keep anything "sorted" or "organized." I've watched him try to use the labeled baskets & bins over the years but he simply can't stick to it. We've found that storing a good share of his toys in a locked closet helps so much. From time-to-time we swap out those toys & it's like Christmas all over again!

Today we begin again with a clean area. I warned him ahead of time I was "going in" so he won't be shocked when he gets home from school. The disaster zone command center is ready for my boy. Now, where's my breakfast?