I Need Fewer Hours In My Day!

I am honored that this blog entry is to be published with my permission in the Spring 2012 issue of ADDitude Magazine:

Every time I have a day like today I just want BEDTIME to roll around quickly so I can collapse. Most people think they need more hours in their day. Not me. Not any more. It's barely 3:00 on a Sunday afternoon and already I've said, "What were you thinking?" at least 7 times. Here are the doozies:

1) Went out to clean up the shop for a barn party we're planning for our kids and found hundreds of screws & nails everywhere. When I asked "why" the reply was honest. "I was throwing them at pigeons to get the pigeons out of here!" (He picked them up plus did some other work for restitution.)

2) I sent Bobby to the house with a wheelbarrel of produce from the garden. Simple task but when he didn't return I discovered he was "washing the windows" (with a hose & hard water).

3) Came into the house to find a large salmon hook stuck into the couch cushion. (Not sure when this happened since the house is always locked if we're outside working.) Felt ridiculous even saying the words "why did you put a fish hook in the couch?" Not surprising, he doesn't even remember this one.

I love my boy to the moon and back....I think we've been to the moon and back. But I'm a mom of an adhd boy and I'm like all other parents of adhd kids - e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d! This is not a "phase" but my daily, hourly life.

This is precisely why FEWER hours in the day would help me out. Fewer hours to repair, scrub, discipline, explain & argue. I don't need any more hours in my day. I'm ready for bed now and it's not much past 3:00.

Depression In ADHD Kids

We're seeing quite a bit of depression these days. Considerably more than ever before. Can't figure out if starting back to school has kick-started it after such a fun summer or if maybe it's just a new phase. One thing is certain, it's heart-breaking. I don't cope well around depression. Doesn't mean I've never been depressed ('cuz I get down from time to time) but it's just not something I can "fix" or make better, so I feel helpless as a parent.  I'm really hoping this is a phase and not a new "normal" in our home. The odds are always against him. This will not be good if the blues stick around. I feel so sorry for him.

Tonight I'm rambling. Not really sure where we'll turn from here but one thing is sure....Bobby's Psychologist should have a handful of good tools for us to try out. Sometimes the days are very long but we're still just taking them one at a time.

Double-Meaning Words & ADHD Kids

Impulsive kids blurt. They don't mean to cause so much embarrassment. It's just the nature of ADHD. Double-meaning terms are some of the worst. This time I'm siding with my boy. I won't use the word here, due to the fact that someone went over-the-top crazy when they heard it slip off his tongue. 

My son is a history buff in the making. He reads about wars & the gold rush all the time. He and all his fishing buddies (and his father) use a phrase taken from the gold rush days....but apparently, this phrase has another meaning in some circles (definitely not ours). When this adult heard our son use this popular gold-rush term, she nearly went into orbit, chewing him up one side and down the other, without even so much as a talk with me as his mother first. I ran to his side to hear the tongue-lashing. I knew it was also a much-used historic term but did not argue with her. Bobby's dad and I talked to him later that evening and explained he did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, she didn't take the time to find out why he used that historic expression, assuming incorrectly that he was simply repeating filth. He felt SO awful after her blasting. This time he was innocent.

Oftentimes these kids ARE guilty when accused.  Sadly too, they're frequently blamed for stuff they didn't do. We're reminding Bobby that this is just life & he won't always have parents to come to his defense. "Just learn to move on and put it behind ya!"

Accepting Advice From the Older Siblings?

There's no reason not to listen to the advice of older siblings. After all, they're spending time in the home and they could be blessed with some rare insight. (Insight is always ok to "hear.") Not long ago, one of our college kids was home for awhile. This kid is incredible with his brother. Takes him to town with him, plays games with him and sometimes rewards him with computer time on his own laptop. Big brother & sisters are all grown & generally away from home but having some time here allowed our oldest son to see the day-to-day behavior and sometimes CHAOS that can be our routine. He had a couple thoughts that we heard him out on, implementing some strategies immediately. Nothing wrong with hearing others' thoughts. Especially when it's someone who really knows & loves the family. (I'll take my own kids' suggestions over some people's....just because my kids truly understand all angles.)

I do try to be gracious to anyone offering their home-grown wisdom. I don't argue or put down suggestions. (The truth is, they don't live with us so they'll never know if we implement any of their ideas!)  Parenting a high needs ADHD child is tough. It is my belief that this job can not be done without continual research and improvement as a parent.

Bobby's worth everything we're putting into parenting. We want him ready to be successful outside our home in a few more years!

Great Book: "From Defiance to Cooperation"

Why is my son getting more and more hostile & angry? Why must he argue about everything? Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) exists in a large number of ADD or ADHD kids. While it can be caused by a number of different factors, one thing is true...it's FRUSTRATING to deal with in your kids. There is however, a difference between being clinically diagnosed with ODD & exhibiting anger from time to time. Our Psychologist recommended this book by John F. Taylor, PhD: "From Defiance to Cooperation," and I have barely put it down since it arrived. In my opinion it really gets good at Chapter 3, "Create Greater Emotional Safety," but everything in it is pretty helpful! We bought a used copy on Amazon.com for just a few dollars, plus shipping. Every parent dealing with strong defiance would gain tremendous insight from reading this book & the author states that Chapter 3 should be read by the teacher(s) of defiant kids! 

There's no question things will look up around here when we understand more about this "ODD" thing!!

sChOoL sTaRtS tOmOrRoW ~ YiKeS

Three short months ago we emptied out his backpack into a pile somewhere & began using it for fun summer outings which included camping & fishing. We tossed the alarm clock & fired up the barbecue. There was a family reunion, summer camp & a trip to visit family in Alaska. But suddenly it seems to have come to a screeching halt. Summer vacation has officially ended & school begins in the morning.

Certainly many unknowns lie ahead (who am I kidding - we've been here before. We know exactly what will be happening.) For tonight however, I'd like to hope. I'm hoping maturity kicked in a bit & hoping Bobby makes & keeps good friends. Hoping he "gets" Math just a bit more than last year & doesn't disappear during that class. I hope he respects his teacher even if he doesn't like him every day & I really hope he gets his work done at school so we don't pour over it every night.

A new backpack replaces the old & is loaded with most of the supplies from his list. I'm getting ready to pack his lunch with some of his favorites. Cautiously optimistic about tomorrow & the rest of the tomorrows 5th grade will bring. Love you, Bobby. You're an amazing boy!

The Family Reunion Meets ADHD

Months ago, my side of the family began piecing together what looked to be a pretty fun weekend. A date was chosen, activities were planned and the invitations went out. As the weekend got closer I have to be honest, some feelings of fear and apprehension began to creep into my thinking, dampening my excitement just a tad. Social gatherings have already been challenging for our family and I know we're not alone.

This was to be no ordinary reunion as the event would move from one home to another as well as involving a day in the mountains with  lots of outdoor fun together. We knew Bobby would become overwhelmed with the activities, large groups of people, our preoccupation with enjoying family we hadn't seen in ages. Also, we have learned that if Bobby doesn't feel he's fitting in, things can go badly quite rapidly.

One thing that can make or break a large get-together is the feeling of acceptance (or lack thereof). So often families who venture out meet with judgement & harsh criticism. The onlookers may feel the parents of this child should really "work a bit harder at their discipline" and those same well-meaning family members may even dare to offer their advice. (When all this happens, it really isn't a fun place for these special kids OR their parents!) I recommend only attending a family reunion after really thinking out your "plan" & enlisting the help of trusted family who can help spell you off, allowing you time to visit and enjoy activities.

The good news tonight is that we had a fantastic weekend. No question. Was it flawless? Nope. Our son hid under a car at the first house, hiding from cousins. He said a few embarrassing things that fortunately only a few people heard and we "lost" him several times. But all-in-all, the weekend was filled with laughter, learning to fly fish, (thanks to a cool cousin), swimming, eating & having great fun together.

Looking forward to the next reunion!!! Thanks little buddy. Thanks for letting us share you with the entire family! (I love my family and appreciate their support & acceptance. They're awesome!)

"My Brain Is Broken"

Recently I was stunned to hear these words from my son. His statement was matter-a-fact, with no pouting or self-pity. He had incorrectly processed my information on ADHD. I had talked to him about exactly what this whole "ADHD thing" meant. (Over a YEAR ago!) I explained in very basic terms. Terms my doctor had used to help me understand the label. Our psychologist had used a small drawing of neurons in the brain and how that all worked (or didn't work).  I thought Bobby understood as I even went on to explain this in even more basic terms to him. We zeroed in on the fact that many people have this disorder. Girls as well as boys and adults too. I have also worked to make Bobby aware of how much FUN ADHD people are!! They are comedic & exciting to be around. Shouldn't we focus on the positive aspects of our difficulties in life?

Well, unfortunately, Bobby heard "broken" in our discussion about neurons and that's what stuck. I am reminded today of something I hadn't thought of before. I really need to be positive he's getting positive messages!! Great reminder! Son, your brain is DEFINITELY not broken!!! Love you!

There's Proven Help for ADHD Kids!

I'm a mom on a perpetual pursuit for tips & tools that will help me work effectively with my son. He's growing and changing. What Bobby suffered with at 5 is different at almost 11. Books stacked around me and always new websites saved in my "favorites," I'm finding that I have to work to keep up! One thing is certain. There IS help for ADHD kids! No question. I'll wrap up this blog entry today with the short list of my favorites:

1) Dependable routine

2) Plenty of sleep

3) Exceptional nutrition (For us this means only a little sugar. Few processed foods. Many vegetable and fruit servings each day, especially the deep greens like spinach, broccoli & kale! Wholewheat bread & whole grains - we make wheat pancake mix from scratch & use with blue berries. Delicious. Lots of water. No soda or juice drinks that aren't 100% juice.) Ok...rare treats!

4) Working closely with teacher/principal

5) Counseling for Bobby & us, as needed and with a very well-trusted physician, psychologist or preferably a child psychologist.

6) Daily outdoor activity

These things WORK for us. These make our days manageable. We top this off with TONS of praise whenever Bobby does something terrific. (Praising him in public makes him beam!) The scolding/correcting does not happen in public. (Well, in a perfect world they NEVER happen in public...) Generally only in private. His confidence & success are improving leaps & bounds and I attribute it to "getting on board" with his ADHD!

Clean & Quiet - Am I At The Right House?

We can almost hear the silence. I've only cleaned the house once in a week. This is what it's like when there are no kids at home. Wow. Bobby is at summer camp. He has an older brother and sister that are staff there so we know he's in good hands. The college students who staff the camp are high-energy, happy young people who are there because they want to be--it's all good. I don't feel a bit guilty for enjoying this time with my husband. Moms and dads really gotta have a bit of this once in a while.

We chose a good camp that's been operating for many, many years. We visited the camp first to see what we thought & we talked to staff members. They are fully-capable of working with our ADHD son! (Surprise, surprise. He's not the only ADHD kid there!)  Because we did our "homework," we were able to make the 4 hour drive home, knowing Bobby's in terrific hands. This wouldn't be happening if we didn't know for certain it was a good choice. He may spin loud and crazy circles around us but we ADORE him!

I am at the right house. I'm going to enjoy this until it's time to go pick him up! This is rejuvenating time. Time for us to have complete conversations. We needed it. Taking another deeeeep breath...relaxing.

We Must Advocate!

The job description is broad: "Mother, judge, lawyer, veterinarian, nurse, event coordinator, chef, maid, bus driver"...and the list goes on. Moms are stretched already but if there is a higher-than-normal-needs kid in the house, we have no choice but to add to that description. Now there is: "Advocate, pioneer (relatively new territory), campaigner, messenger (we need to share what we learn), spokesperson, pleader (some of this is necessary).

Ignorance has no place in our lives as parents of ADHD kids. We must read, listen & learn. Our kids can NOT slip through the cracks. Our most important treasure on earth is our children and for them we will do whatever it takes to get them the best help.

What does this mean? This means working side-by-side with their teacher, school & principals. This means passing along tips that are helpful but then getting out of the way so that the teacher can work! Advocacy means listening to our children's needs and being there for them. Advocacy does not mean we excuse their behavior or criticize the people around them. In our home it has a positive spin. School isn't the only place that is challenging for our kids. All social areas can be chaotic for them. If my child is sent out of a church class every week, I need to get into that classroom. I ask the teacher what it would take for my child to be successful. If that class/teacher is only capable of working with the "easy" kids it's my job to find another church or class. This one doesn't work. We experienced this. Our son has attended a new class for 7 months and has never been sent out. When he was absent a "we miss you" message was sent. YES!!

Being a parent of a high-needs kid (specifically talking about ADHD here) is not easy. I roll up my sleeves and get busy every single day. I walk a fine line as an advocate. As a parent I want to go to bat for my son but I don't use the bat, so-to-speak. The other adults in his life are important to me and I treat them as such. (Yeah, even if/when I don't agree!)  Advocacy becomes a life style.

Summer Camp Is For Parents!

The planning is over. Registration, the months of waiting, dreaming, packing & the long drive. All behind us. Bobby's at camp! He's in a cabin with 7 other boys and 2 counsellors. (Terrific ratio!) I don't know if any of the other boys in his cabin are ADHD but if the national ratios are accurate, he could be the only one which would make it a tad easier for everyone. 

We don't just drive to camp, drop off our boy & his mountain of necessities for the week and leave. We spent time talking with the director, camp nurse and his counsellors. We made a few notes on good strategies that work for getting him to REALLY take his meds and also how to "chill out" when over-excited. (Brief notes!)  Then I made his bed with the extra blankets and pillows that will make it feel more like home. Time to turn the car toward home and spend quality time with Dad!

Bobby will be fine at camp. His brother & sister are staff there & the other young people know and love him. He gets to do the things he's really been wanting to do like sailing & survival skills. He'll eat like there's no tomorrow & enjoy a camp curfew which is much later than home!

But let's get this right.....Camp is for US! Bobby's got an insane amount of energy and defiance to match it. We can't sleep at night until we are positive he's asleep. We bolt out of bed the second his feet hit the floor in the morning & we can't take our eyes off him during the day. With this 24/7 schedule we are honestly, worn down. WE are ready for Camp! Dad & I just might finish our conversations without forgetting what we were saying.  We'll get some projects done around the house that require accuracy & focus.

We'll play & we'll rest. In two weeks we'll all be ready for the grand reunion!  We'll race toward the camp, snatch up our "all-smiles" boy, listen to his non-stop stories all the way home & then force him to take his first shower WITH SOAP in 14 days. Then, we'll begin saving for next year's Camp Get-Away! (Well worth it!!!!)